building on the journey

building on the journey
Our family...just waiting to add our sweet smiling little girls!

Friday, January 11, 2013

a day of down

You expect a roller coaster to have ups and downs and twists and turns, but this is insanity...

Straight up yesterday; straight back down today. Uuuuuuu....that was the drop of my stomach as this ride took a major dive today....uuuuuuuuu...still waiting for this drop to stop.... you know the feeling, you are terrified, but excited. For us, this ride, when it takes a down is only a feeling of terror. I am terrified. And, I mean TeRRiFieD that the drop won't be that exhilarating swoop and feeling of actual physical, screaming joy that is a roller coaster ride, but an actual thud. An end. A stop predicated by a solid brick wall. WHAM! Joy over.

Here is where we are: ANALYSIS PARALYSIS! Stop for a moment and riddle me this, what is your definition of "in process?" What? Not something you've spent a lot of time thinking about?? Me neither, not until today at 3 p.m., 4 p.m. Eastern. Look, I'm not being picky, I'm being black and white. Read it yourself...
            proc·ess 1  n. pl. proc·ess·es 1. A series of actions, changes, or functions bringing about a result

...did you catch it? Are ya with me? "bringing about a result." Hmmm, you mean a result like bringing home a little girl with Down Syndrome who if left in her current situation will be great for the next 2 years and will then be sent to an adult institution where she will most likely not live to the age of 10 years old. Heck, if she makes it past the first year it would be a flipping miracle... a miracle!

10 years old!! 10 years old. Do you know what the current life expectancy is for individuals with Down Syndrome? 60s, plus. Here in the United States individuals with Down Syndrome are driving, running their own businesses, marrying, leading a long, fruitful, fulfilling life. Leaving her there is literally a death sentence. She will be drugged and kept immobile for easier "management." She will suffer malnutrition and eventually starvation. Her heart and kidney issues will be exacerbated by the drugs, the malnutrition, the stress, the abuse. I'm heart sick. She will go in as this beautiful little 4 or 5 year old girl with Down Syndrome and she will literally experience hell on earth. Her crime? Being born with an extra chromosome.

How do we possibly move forward while she is just stuck there? I know we are not defeated, it is not over, but that call today... well, depressing as hell. Listen, I don't want anyone to blow sunshine at me, but come on, really??? 

It hurts too much to think about the reality of just what the future might be for this beautiful little girl who I have been dreaming of rocking and teaching to sign and walk and run and throw and play and hug and giggle and what it's like to have a family and all the wonderful, joyful, crazy that comes along with it. I try not to think about that, but it sneaks up on me. It wheedles its way into thoughts when I least expect it. All I can think about is how these children must constantly wonder why this is what they have to endure, why no one cared or came for them. We all deserve to be loved and cared for. We all deserve a Mommy.

My 3 year old daughter, almost 4, with Down Syndrome, says Mommy like this, in a soft little whisper, with that look of me being this most amazing creature, she says, "MuMmiiee," like she's British. It's adorable and beautiful. It brings this warmth to my world every single time she says it. I want that for "Tabitha." I want that for every child that is being left in an orphanage because of politics. I want that for EVERY child.

Don't get me wrong, we are not beat, just a little bruised. Bruised and afraid, but not done fighting.

That little girl is going to be our daughter. Some how, some way. We will get her out of there.


  1. I've read about Tabitha at Reece's Rainbow and have read you blog. I believe in your journey! We have made a similar adoption journey, one I will repeat as often as God allows to grow our family with these precious ones. I am asking God to help us fund your journey! May God continue to richly bless you and yours! Love from The Hostetlers

    1. Thank you, Susan!!! I just want to get all those beautiful, differently abled, and the typical kiddos....ALL the kiddos, into a loving, welcoming, imperfectly perfect home!!!! ;)